• home
  • contact
  • hire
    • blog
    • freelance
    • media kit
    • portfolio
    • resumé

lo-wren

muse. mom. maven.

  • Editorial
    • all
    • featured
  • Parenting
    • humor
    • breastfeeding
    • miscarriage
      • experience
      • healing|support
  • freelance
    • portfolio
    • resumé
  • natural living
    • cloth diapering
      • general topics
      • accessories
      • prefolds
      • fitteds
      • pockets
      • ai2s
      • aios
      • wool
      • trainers
    • ideas
    • products
    • recipes
    • events
  • blog series
    • featured WAHMs
    • guest posts
    • what we’re reading
    • sun protection
    • SIDS awareness

Sh*t Happens: When HUMP Day Becomes a CRAP Day

2015/08 By Lauren B. Stevens 2 Comments

You know those cool swag bags you get when you attend conventions and trade shows? They’re awesome, right? Full of fun goodies, gadgets and gifts, mostly things you don’t need or never wanted. Last weekend I attended a national natural parenting convention and left with a swag bag so full that they had to tie the handles to keep everything in. Coming off the road and right into my workweek, I hadn’t had the chance to explore the bag, so I left it downstairs to go through at a later time.

HumpDay

Last night, as I was taking a mom break to Cookie Jam before bath time, my son came up to me chewing and telling me how good [whatever was in his mouth] was. Knowing that there wasn’t any accessible food, I immediately stopped Cookie Jamming, snapped to attention, and told my son to show me what he was snacking on. You’re not even going to believe this, folks. Probiotics. My son was gobbling down probiotics like they were potato chips (or some other illicit food).

There in the room, next to the now swag bag from hell, sat a bottle of probiotics, lid off, seal and cotton packing removed. First question: how many did you eat, Declan? He raised two plump toddler fingers and responded, “Two.” Since “two” is the automatic response to every numbered question he’s asked, I asked again. This time Declan outstretched his nubby hand, proffering ALL of his fingers, “five” he said, with a proud smile on his face.

My heart dropped to my stomach and I did what any mother in that situation would do – I called my husband on his commute home. Thankfully he was right around the corner, and he promised to sort it out when he got home.

I took Declan into the bath and had a long conversation about medicine, while my husband began making phone calls downstairs. The probiotic company was kind enough to say they’d leave a message for someone to respond to tomorrow, but other than that, they had no advice. Poison control was the next call, and their advice was to give Declan a snack and a drink.

By this time, I had finished with Declan’s bath (not even a probiotic overdose can disrupt our bedtime routine), I came back down to discover that my husband, wits about him, had counted the remaining pills to see how many had actually been consumed. Are you ready for this, my friends? SIX. My son ate six probiotics in one sitting (the daily dosage is ONE for an adult). My husband gave me a look that said everything, but mostly it said, “Good luck tomorrow, dear!”

P.S. We both survived. Declan’s colon is squeaky-clean, and he’s likely a pound or so lighter, but we live to tell the tale…

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting

Anatomy of a Vacation: Three Acts

2015/06 By Lauren B. Stevens Leave a Comment

You’ve been waiting for this family getaway for months, planning, packing and anticipating a few days of relaxation and family fun. You’ve packed your bags, checked your lists and have declared that your vacation is ready to begin!

You’ve been waiting for this family getaway for months, planning, packing and anticipating a few days of relaxation and family fun.

ACT ONE: THE ROAD TRIP

You tumble into the car, the iPod queue is loaded and you’re off – woohoo!

Family sing-a-longs are the best! From the Frozen soundtrack to The Sound of Music, you’re all singing merrily, taking in the landscape that whizzes by outside the window.

Halfway through the Frozen soundtrack, your newly potty-trained toddler yells that he has to use the potty. This is something to be taken seriously, so you and your partner begin weighing your options: pull off on the side of the road (because that’s totally a right of passage) or try to make it to the next rest stop (Shit! Did you see any rest stop signs?). Just as you start to panic, you see that a rest stop is just two miles away (thank you potty fairies!).

Somewhere around hour four, you roll into your hotel’s parking lot and check in, road-weary and ready to crash in an air-conditioned room.

ACT TWO: THE STAY

You’re tired, but your toddler is just getting started, having stored up energy over your four-hour car ride. Your husband stays with the car while you attempt to check in; your toddler runs through the lobby like a Tasmanian Devil on Pixie Sticks.

Room keys in hand, you head back to the car to park and unload. The staggering amount of gear you have will require TWO trips from the car to the hotel. Said trip from parking garage is a hike, spanning two buildings, two elevator rides and several long hallways.

FINALLY, you can relax in the comfort of your hotel room.

Toddler proceeds to try out each bed and piece of furniture by jumping on them. Repeatedly.

In a misguided frugal attempt, you passed up the suite for the studio hotel room; this means that your toddler will punish you for not being able to sleep in his own room.

Give yourself a pat on the back for getting so much exercise on vacation – FitBit says that you’re a ROCKSTAR climbing floors! You’re momentarily crushed when you realize that your FitBit is reading your elavator rides. Womp-womp!

Your toddler’s anthem takes on a Beastie Boys theme: No. naps. ‘til home.

No naps means a wired munchkin constantly asking for adventures, even when you’ve just arrived at the hotel room after an all day adventure. Crying and hysterics commence (and it’s not just the toddler).

Stop checking FitBit sleep stats because it’s depressing and making you more tired than you already are.

By day three, you’re giving in to your toddler’s terroristic demands. Cookies for breakfast? Sure (I mean, how much worse could it get, right?).

Driving around the city for naps and nights, in an effort to get your little one to GO. TO. SLEEP. has logged almost as many miles as the trip out here.

Your reflexes are delayed, due to your increasingly fatigued state, which means your toddler has run into an open elevator at least once [without you].

By the end of your stay, caffeine no longer has any effect on you, well, except to make you even more tired.

ACT THREE: THE DRIVE HOME

You tiredly lug all of the crap you didn’t use and pack souvenirs (that you’ll be tripping over in no time) into your overstuffed car.

You slap a diaper onto your toddler a la Lisa Nowak – you’re not in the mood for any impromptu bathroom stops or accidents.

Toddler stages a sit-in on the hotel room floor, refusing to leave the room he has hated all week. You bribe your toddler with a sugary treat to get him to leave the room; you’ve broken all of your “no sugar” rules on this trip, so why not continue in the same vein?

Toddler proceeds to squirm and contort his body in an effort against being strapped into his car seat. You and your partner take turns “giving it a go” and you finally get the no longer non-violent protestor secured into his seat.

Sweaty from the car seat battle, you and your partner climb into the front seats and blast the AC to cool down.

First stop is for coffee. Bucketloads of coffee, bathroom stops be damned! Must have coffee to make it home.

You set off down the highway, the quiet atmosphere in stark contrast to the jovial singing on the way there. Your toddler falls asleep for his first nap of the week, just five minutes from the hotel.

Once it becomes evident that the coffee is not working, you turn on the radio to YOUR station – First Wave on XM – and are surprised to find that you, once again, relate to the melancholic sounds of The Smiths and the Cure – the anthem of your youth (the lack of sleep is making you weepy).

Your drive home takes an hour and a half longer, as every other family has decided to pick this day to come home. As you’re inching forward in traffic, your toddler begins screaming – GET. ME. OUT. OF. THIS. CHAIR. You begin to panic, as much as your dulled senses will allow, when you realize you still have over an hour left until you reach home.

In a stroke of genius, you remember that there is a kid-friendly movie downloaded on the iPad for such emergencies! You have another 45 minutes of silence before the screaming commences. You pull of your exit and can’t believe your luck – not a single red light on the way to the house!

You unload the car and the kiddo only to find that the small rash that appeared on his face that morning has turned into an angry red galazy, stretching across his entire face, forehead and behind his ears.

You give the toddler a quick bath and check Google to see if any Urgent Cares are open (it’s now 7:30pm on a holiday). Score! You drag your toddler into the Urgent Care and are relieved to find out that his throat won’t close during the night, but a little alarmed to find out that said rash might be the start of Hand, Foot and Mouth.

Exhausted, you climb back into the car and call the friend you had spent the last day with, warning her to look out for signs of HFM with her own kids.

Exhausted, you arrive home and your toddler beams the biggest of smiles at you and tells you that he loved the adventures of the past few days. You fall into bed with a warm heart, the vow you made to never vacation again [until the toddler is 18] is already slipping away…

Finis

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting

Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: By Mothers, For Mothers

2015/05 By Lauren B. Stevens Leave a Comment

Every so often I see a call for submissions that forces me out of my usual routine in an effort to get something else written. When I saw the call for the second edition of Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, I knew I had to submit an essay for consideration (even though it meant I had to wake up at 4am to write without distraction).

Motherhood-May-Cause-Drowsiness

My son was not a good sleeper, in fact, he rarely slept. By the time he was 8 months old I was up with him an average of 3 times a night, after my husband and myself had exhausted ourselves by cajoling him to sleep. Daytime was difficult, as D only napped in 20 minute clips, 30 minutes if I was lucky. I was beyond exhausted, crying often, my mind in a constant fog. I tried to read books about sleep, but in my overtired state the books seemed as though they were written in a foreign language and when I could actually make some sense of them, they often offered contradictory advice.

When I wrote this popular piece, 10 Signs My Baby’s Not Sleeping Through the Night (so don’t ask!), I was making a stab at humor, but the reality was that many of these were scarily true for me. Thank goodness for Facebook, as I was contacted by a Pediatric Sleep Consultant after posting a cry for help on my blog page. After a quick phone call with the sleep consultant (Jennifer from Gift of Sleep Consulting), I talked things over with my husband. Money was incredibly tight for us but I was desperate. We decided to hire Jennifer and the rest is history!

I still maintain that hiring a sleep consultant was the best investment we made in our son’s first year; you can check out our experience in this one year check-in piece, A Year of Sleep, Thanks to Sleep Training. While sleep training can be a controversial subject, I’ll be the first to say that the people being sleep trained were my husband and myself, moreso than our son. D began napping during the day and sleeping through the night at around 9 months, and I began to regain clarity (and my sanity).

So, yes, when I saw the call for submissions for Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, I knew that I had to write something. I’m happy to say that my essay, The Long Road, was accepted for inclusion in this wonderfully funny and sweet anthology by mothers, for mothers. I just finished the book last night and I loved every moment of it; I actually forsook sleep two nights in a row to stay up reading these delightful stories by a bevy of talented writers. The best thing about Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness is that it is perfect for sleep deprived parents! You can easily pick MMCD, read a story or two and then put it down to be picked up again when you have the time (or the mental clarity) to read.

The second edition of Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness is now available for purchase! Give yourself the gift of laughter and camaraderie by purchasing your copy today! If you purchase the book through my Amazon link HERE, I’ll actually receive a few cents from each purchase (because I’m not exactly ‘raking it in’ by having my essay published). I hope you’ll purchase a copy for yourself AND for all of your mom friends. Let me know what you think, and thank you for your support!

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, books, Editorial, featured, humor, Parenting, topics Tagged With: babies, baby, motherhood, motherhood may cause drowsiness, parenthood, sleep deprivation, sleep training, toddler, toddlers

Toddlerisms: Deux

2015/04 By Lauren B. Stevens 2 Comments

If you missed my first post about Toddlerisms, don’t worry — I’ve got a few more ‘gems’ up my sleeve. Well, technically I didn’t produce these toddlerisms, my almost three year old son did. As my son’s independence continues to emerge, getting through days often feels like trudging through mud; it’s a good thing he’s rife with toddlerisms!

toddlerisms-deux

“I LOVE this eating party!” (note the popcorn tin in the background – that sucker gets around!)

 

[Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting Tagged With: toddlerisms

Toddlerisms: Levity During Trying Moments in Parenting

2015/02 By Lauren B. Stevens 2 Comments

As any parent can attest, the toddler years can be some of the most trying times and also yield some of the sweetest moments in your child’s life. There are days when I text my husband at work, asking what time he thinks he’ll be home because my patience is on the verge of breaking. Most days, I’m like a broken record, repeating “No” a bazillion times, and contemplating trademarking “please don’t touch that/climb on that/jump on the couch,” as those frequently uttered phrases are now my personal anthem. But for every trying moment, there are more than enough sweet moments, serving to calm my frazzled nerves. A spontaneous neck-hug, a moist kiss on the cheek, and the completely random “I love you, mommy”s are enough to brush away any mounting toddler frustrations I may have. Then, there are those gems, those random phrases spoken during language acquisition that have you scratching your head, biting your lip to keep from laughing, or so funny that laughter erupts from the depths of your belly. Those ‘gems’ I’m referring to, my friends, are toddlerisms.

TODDLERISMS: those random phrases spoken during language acquisition that have you scratching your head, biting your lip to keep from laughing, or so funny that laughter erupts from the depths of your belly.
[Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting Tagged With: humor, parenting, parenting humor, toddler, toddlerisms, toddlers

Whore Pigs and Other Toddlerisms

2015/01 By Lauren B. Stevens 5 Comments

The wonders of toddlerhood, and the toddlerisms that my son often comes up with never, ever cease to amaze and amuse me.

The wonders of toddlerhood, and the toddlerisms that my son often comes up with never, ever cease to amaze and amuse me.

[Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: Editorial, humor, Parenting, topics Tagged With: humor, language experimentation, parenting, parenting humor, toddler, toddlerisms, toddlers, word play

5 Ways Vacationing Changes After Children

2014/09 By Lauren B. Stevens Leave a Comment

Just back from a week at the beach, and utterly exhausted (you’re not supposed to need a vacation after vacationing, are you?), I decided to reflect on some of the ways vacationing is different now that we have a little one.

Vacationing-Kids

You can no longer throw clothes in a bag and take off.  Vacations after children are organized affairs, replete with lists to organize the abundance of items you’ll need to bring along.  That extra pair of undies you used to throw into your bag just in case, are now an afterthought when you have to factor in diaper failures (and extra diapers), additional changes of clothes for potty training little ones, or complete outfits for every type of weather condition you might possibly encounter.  Even my lists have lists when planning for vacation these days! [Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting, topics

10 Signs My Baby’s NOT Sleeping Through the Night (so don’t ask)

2014/08 By Lauren B. Stevens 12 Comments

I remember those early days with my son, those days and weeks when we were fueled only by euphoria, forsaking sleep and taking shifts watching our new baby around the clock, lest he stop breathing (he didn’t) or some major milestone occurred (it didn’t). Trips out of the house were opportunities for us to shake off newborn, new parent, cabin fever and show our little one off with pride (but don’t get too close and DON’T even think about touching my baby, Stranger). Inevitably, we were bombarded with questions, which we, proud to have created such a beautiful specimen, were all too happy to answer.

The most commonly asked question, one that stays with me to this day, was whether our baby was sleeping through the night. This question began when he was a mere two weeks old, and we politely smiled, shook our heads, and proceeded to tell those kind folks (strangers as well) about all of the other awesome things our newborn was doing (soiling 12-15 diapers a day, smiling at us (and NO, it was NOT just gas), eating non-stop during his wakeful hours, cooing with gusto, etc.). But by 8 months old, the “sleeping through the night” question, and all of the unsolicited advice that came along with it, had begun to wear me down, and all I could do was grimace, shake my head, and mumble how my son was constantly hungry and just wasn’t a good sleeper.

 Curb unsolicited advice with these 10 signs my baby's not sleeping through the night.

Because of our experience, with a baby who preferred to take in virtually every moment of a 24 hour day, and the abundance of unsolicited [bad] advice we received, I decided to create a helpful list of signs for those people dying to know if a baby is sleeping through the night. Here is a quick reference guide to share with those who have the urge to ask someone how their baby is sleeping:

  1. You see nonsensical Facebook status updates posted by me at 2:30 am.
  2. You drop by, unannounced, to lend an ear, hand, or both, and I answer the door, oblivious to the fact that my milk-caked, lanolin-smeared breast is exposed.
  3. At the sound of a baby crying, any baby, I automatically stop what I’m doing and turn and head in that direction.
  4. While on the phone with me, I share how my bad day has gotten worse, now that I’m unable to locate my…phone. (this actually did happen)
  5. I call you to “catch up”, only to find that we’ve just spoken that morning. (see #4)
  6. You wake in the morning to find that I’ve ‘liked’ every photo in your vacation album on Facebook…from 3 years ago.
  7. My shirt is on backwards and/or my buttons are mismatched.
  8. I have circles under my eyes and an overall frazzled appearance. (see #7)
  9. I’m in tears, and neither you nor I know why.
  10. Any conversation with me involves me using “Ferber” as every part of speech (Ferberized, Ferbering, doing Ferber).

What other signs am I missing?  Help me create a definitive list by leaving signs your baby’s not sleeping in the comments:

 



Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, featured, humor, Parenting Tagged With: baby, baby sleep, infant, newborn, top ten

That Time I Spent $100 On An IKEA Stuffed Cat

2014/07 By Lauren B. Stevens 22 Comments

It’s a scenario parents across the world have faced: their child imprints on an object, usually a stuffed toy or blanket, and that item disappears, causing sleepless nights and many a tear [until a convincing replacement is acquired]. But what if the object your child takes to is one of a kind, or discontinued? This is the dilemma my husband and myself faced last fall, after leaving “Murphy,” our son’s beloved stuffed kitty, in a church while attending an out-of-state funeral.

IKEAGosigKatt

[Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, featured, humor, Parenting Tagged With: attachment object, IKEA, IKEA Gosig Katt, lost and found, lovey, stuffed animal, things parents do

The Gardenburger® from Hell…

2014/06 By Lauren B. Stevens 4 Comments

…or the Gardenburger® gift that keeps on giving.  So, what were you up to at 11pm tonight?  This is what I was doing:

SadDecOatmealBath

[Read more…]

Sharing is Caring! Please share to keep the conversation going:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • More
  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Google

Filed Under: all, Editorial, humor, Parenting, topics

  • 1
  • 2
  • Next Page »
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

categories

Lauren B. Stevens is a former publishing rep-turned-writer, whose work can be found on ChildVantage, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy and Care.com, among many other websites. When she's not chasing her precocious preschooler, Lauren pens hilarious and heartwarming stories about her life as a mother, ghostwrites blogs for businesses, and sometimes even finds the time to write a bit of creative non-fiction.
Look for Lauren's published essays in the books listed below:

i’m in these books!

  • SMITHCoverWidget.jpg
  • MMCoverWidget.jpg
  • 3534480-01Motherhood250-1.jpg
  • chicken-soup.jpg
  • SINSA-Cover-Image.jpg
  • PTB6.jpg
  • PTB7.jpg

popular this week…

  • All Prefolds Are NOT Created Equal
  • 5 Ways to Repurpose Cloth Diapers
  • Best Cloth Diapers for Boys
  • Should I Try to Conceive Directly Following a Miscarriage?

recent posts

  • 4 Things You Can Get to Ensure Car Safety for Your Kids (Without Breaking the Bank)
  • Cyber Security 101: 5 Tips for Keeping Your Kids Safe Online
  • 11 Activities To Tire Your Kids And Have Them Begging for Bedtime
  • Chicken Soup for the Soul: Military Families
  • Maximizing Marketplace Savings with Groupon and eBay

Stirrup Queen’s List of Blogs

Stirrup Queen's List of Blogs

archives

Pinterest Favorites

 photo 12UniqueGifts_zps5a66546f.jpg" alt="12-UNIQUE-GIFT-IDEAS" />
 photo 4ReasonstoUseMenstrualCupjpg_zpsb15ca7ba.jpg
 photo StopBreastfeeding_zps6df818b5.jpg
budget-cloth-diapering
 photo MiscarriageBabyLossjpg_zps3a6a4ab8.jpg
 photo PrefoldPinterest_zps43c4cd6e.jpg

Copyright © 2021

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.