lo-wren

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How Do Germophobes Potty Train Their Children?

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Seriously, this question flitted through my mind this morning as I was enjoying my shower.  We’re in our third week of potty training, and my two-year-old son showed up at the shower curtain; which is strange only because he had to pry his eyes away from Super Why! to come upstairs – don’t judge, I NEED those seven minutes.  My cherished seven minutes of “me” time turned into a poo-tastrophy of epic proportions this morning, and I wondered how the hell germophobes ever survive potty training their children.

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10 Signs You’re Ready to Stop Breastfeeding

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I recently sailed past the 19 month mark of breastfeeding Declan, and did so with a sigh.  I’m grateful for being able to nurse for so long, but the truth is that I’m ready to be done anytime now.  I started out with a 6 month goal, which turned to 1 year once I exceeded my initial length.  At the one year mark, I assumed (especially being pregnant twice) that Declan would just self-wean…and soon.  Not the case, pregnancy hormones didn’t put him off…at all.  And while it was painful, it was nothing compared to the pain of clogged ducts, so I nursed through it.  Now?  I long for the day that I can reclaim my breasts.  Completely tongue-in-cheek, here are some signs that you may be ready to stop breastfeeding:
A little breastfeeding humor, for those extended breastfeeding moms out there: 10 Signs You're Ready to Stop Breastfeeding

  1. Like an automaton, you proffer your breast when you hear the words milk, milkies, boob, boobie, etc. [or any utterance that sounds remotely similar].
  2. You gaze longingly at your regular bras, tucked into the far reaches of your lingerie drawer, and haven’t the slightest recollection of the last time you wore one.
  3. Why buy the milk when you get mama’s milk for free is no longer a humorous saying.  In fact, you’re thinking about charging at this point. 
  4. You’re ready to disassociate yourself from the Got Milk? campaign.
  5. You’re seriously questioning having another baby any time in the near future [because the thought of another nursling makes you cringe].
  6. You no longer think the I’m a Boob Man onesie is cute.  At all.
  7. You’re ready to wear something other than tank tops and cardigans [because, you know, you stopped wearing nursing clothing LONG ago].
  8. Nursing in public?  Pfft! No biggie [almost everyone’s glimpsed my breasts at this point].
  9. Your little one can now ask to nurse…using a complete sentence.
  10. Even your grungiest regular bra looks appealing.

…and then I’m Googling “how to remove chocolate stains from upholstery”

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True story.  This is my life with a toddler.  I’m in my office, Declan’s watching PBS, things are quiet.  Too quiet, to be exact.  I peek my head out and I see D sitting on the off-white couch with a huge chocolate smear around his mouth.  My heart drops and I start running, not because of the upholstery, but because he could get sick from all of the sugar.  My panicked reaction causes him to flail all over the place, smearing the chocolate ALL OVER the off-white upholstery of the couch.  Did this really just happen?  I’m on the verge of tears, trying to figure out what to do first – grab what’s left of the caramels (they were wonderfully tasty sea salted caramels), grab the kid, or start attacking the stains on the couch?  To be honest, I don’t even recall what I did first because it’s all a blur.  I’ve not even finished my token cup of coffee of the day.  *sigh*

I’ve done my first round of dish soap and warm water, and sit here with my fingers crossed, waiting for the dampness to dry.  I know the world is extremely fascinating, and love that Declan loves exploring it [non-stop], but why, oh why, does my toddler have to touch EVERY. SINGLE. THING?

I’m not sure that I’ll survive Toddlerhood, let alone parenthood…

The Remains