I think miscarriage is one of the most common types of losses suffered, yet women rarely talk about it openly. Sadly, so many women suffer in silence. Friends and family mean well when they try to comfort with sayings such as: there was something terribly wrong with the baby, be thankful this happened now, or be grateful that you already have a healthy little one, or even that God loved your little baby so much that he wanted to keep him/her. In reality, none of these things are helpful or comforting to hear and it’s better to say nothing than to say these things. Trust me.
What was really helpful for me was to write about my losses, to share about my experiences in a way that would memorialize and honor my babies. I also shared my losses so that I wouldn’t feel so alone, and so that other women wouldn’t feel alone if they stumbled across my story in an internet search.
The outpouring of public and private messages I’ve received, after writing about both of my losses, have been overwhelming and more comforting than my support from family and friends. I think only another woman who’s suffered the loss of a baby can understand the amalgam of emotions one experiences. People mean well when they stop asking how you’re doing after a few weeks, but the reality is that the weeks following, at least for me, were the worst.
Having lost both of my babies after the two-month mark, it took weeks for me to get used to the vacant feeling in my uterus, the emptiness and the literal and figurative hole that was left in me. It took months for me to see a pregnant woman without crying, and if I’m having an especially rough day, I’ll still “have a moment”. If you’re reading this as a family or friend of someone who’s recently suffered the loss of a baby, please, please, please ask her how she’s doing a month, two months, three months after the loss. The pain doesn’t go away once her cycle returns; the return of my menstrual cycle was a hard dose of reality – proof that my baby was no longer there.
After miscarrying for the second time in six months, I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. My second miscarriage was also more traumatic, as I was home alone struggling through 8 hours of labor, only to end holding my baby in my hand. Thank goodness my toddler was in bed. People didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all. I was already angry about losing my baby, another baby, but the fact that people just swept it under the rug like dirty business made me angrier than anything. Better luck next time.
A month after losing my second baby, I decided that it was time to be good to myself, time to take care of me. All I wanted to do was to take hot baths, drink tea and lounge in bed all day, but my reality with a toddler was in stark contrast to that. I stole moments when I could, which is the best anyone can do in that situation, and drank gallons of herbal tea. I was desperate to find something, anything I could to nurture myself.
If I could have had a wish, it would have been to have some alone time to grieve and to process, but it would also have been for someone to have sent me a Healing Hearts Comfort Kitfrom Earth Mama Angel Baby. The Healing Hearts Comfort Kit contains items of comfort for women who have suffered the loss of their baby. Aromatherapy is an amazing restorative, and the Healing Hearts Mist is a vibrant citrus spray, perfect for perking up one’s spirit. I especially like the lime notes, as it reminds me of being on a beach in warm weather.
Also included in the kit is the Light of My Heart Candle, a soy aromatherapy candle. Not only is the light scent of the candle comforting and relaxing (call me crazy, but the scent reminds me a little of baby powder), but it also serves as a memorial for my lost baby. From the box: A lighted candle symbolizes hope, love and memory. Light this candle as a birth remembrance, a loving tribute, or any day you want to send your thoughts, prayers or sorrows on sweet, soaring wings.
The last item contained in the Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is a packet of Seeds of Hope. This item strikes me the most, as it is not only a way to remember my babies, but signifies life from death/the cycle of life. I love the idea of rebirth and growth, so much so that my husband and I gave out spruce saplings as wedding favors at our reception. While we weren’t stationary and able to plant some of our own, it was great to have received a photo of one our friends/guests on our two year anniversary:
|One of our spruce sapling favors on our two year wedding anniversary|
It’s been three months since my last miscarriage, and it gets better with time (although some days are definitely better than others). I plan to plant my Seeds of Hope this spring when we move into our new home, another new chapter for our family (and hopefully, a happier one).
If you’ve suffered the loss of your child, please check out Earth Mama Angel Baby’s Healing Hearts Baby Loss page on Facebook. For more baby loss resources, and helpful information for family members, please visit the Healing Hearts Baby Loss Comfort website. To purchase any of Earth Mama Angel Baby’s comforting products, you can shop their website HERE.
*I was provided a Healing Hearts Comfort Kit to facilitate my review. All opinions expressed are my own.