I’ve been mulling over my thoughts on the topic of mommy bloggers for some time now, wondering whether to share my opinions (and possibly become a pariah as a result), or to just duck my head and carry on. After witnessing a few negative interactions and incidents over the last month, I decided to break my silence and share what I refer to as the ‘dark side’ of mom bloggers.
While I began blogging for work years ago, and maintained a personal blog for a while, it wasn’t until I became a mother that I decided to blog publicly. Spending my twenties and early thirties forging a career, my life was turned upside-down when I decided to stay at home to raise my son. With a little more sleep under my belt, I became restless, worried about my resumé gap, and was in desperate need for a creative outlet. The solution to my situation, I felt, was to begin blogging publicly. Why not share my experiences with other new moms, and crowdsource parenting ideas by developing a community?
When we decided to start a family, I made the decision to cloth diaper any future children we might have. In an effort to learn as much as possible, I found myself surfing the internet, sifting through blogs that provided all the information I could possibly want (and more) about cloth diapering. I became enmeshed in the cloth diapering world, and was introduced to natural parenting as an extension of the community. Mom bloggers helped me shape my parenting ideas before my son was born, and were wonderful resources in those early new parent months. THIS was a community I wanted to be a part of, and blogging publicly was a way for me to contribute to the discussion.
My first year of blogging was marked by trial and error, and the skill set I developed was more than I could have ever imagined. My experiences networking with other bloggers have been overwhelmingly positive, and I’ve forged many wonderful relationships as a result. However, the more entrenched I became in the blogging community, the more I ‘saw’; there is a side of ‘mommy blogging’ that isn’t positive, and that makes me cringe each time I see a negative interaction.
While the nature of blogging assuredly means that personal viewpoints will be shared, I get increasingly concerned when I see shaming and judgmental behavior run rampant on blog Facebook pages. I worry when mom bloggers, with large followings often built through hosting giveaways for baby items (it’s how I began building my blog following), use their platform and influence to spread misinformation (or a skewed agenda), or ‘gang up’ on people with the gumption to share their differing opinions publicly. While I never participated in any ‘Mean Girl’ activity during my formative years (I was the target, if anything), I find myself witnessing this behavior with many mommy bloggers, and step away from my laptop with a bad taste in my mouth.
I’ve seen virtual altercations and shaming occur over a variety of parenting of topics: how one washes his/her baby’s cloth diapers, vaccination, circumcision, breast v. bottle feeding, co-sleeping, baby sleep issues, and many more. I’ve been the target myself, being vocal about our success with sleep training, my opinion that sick babies should be kept home, and even where training potties should be placed in one’s home. I blog to share my experiences, what has worked for me and what hasn’t; it is not my place to judge how others parent, or weigh in on other parents’ child-rearing decisions. Mom bloggers share their opinions (it’s the very nature of the activity), but more and more I see ‘abuses of power’. Truth be told, I’ve ‘unfollowed’ many blogs as a result.
Another ‘dark side’ of mommy blogging includes those who are review and giveaway bloggers. Many, of these women are in it for free products and quick payouts. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to try new products, or earning money while staying at home to raise children, the way in which many of these bloggers conduct themselves and their blogs is often less than honorable. I am wary of mommy bloggers who do nothing than churn out perfunctory reviews of ‘great products’, regurgitating product information companies post on their websites and assuring their followers that every product they promote is ‘great’. These types of mom bloggers are often the most competitive in blogging groups, shaming, judging, and ganging up on bloggers who deign to share a differing opinion, and intimidating new bloggers looking for connection and information. Mean girl syndrome at its ugliest.
I rebranded my blog last summer for several reasons: 1.) I felt that being a mom was only one aspect of who I was and what I had to say, 2.) I felt that I was limiting myself by being branded as a ‘mommy blogger’, and 3.) I did not want to be lumped into a blog niche that possessed large numbers of women who engaged in the negative behaviors previously mentioned. Rebranding was one of the best decisions I made, and it coincided with a conscious change in my blogging and writing goals.
Blogging publicly provides people with a platform to convey information to a wide audience, and I never take that kind of influence lightly. My readers share differing opinions, and I welcome those opinions, especially when conveyed in a respectful manner. I can guarantee you’ll never see me shaming, judging, or fostering ‘Mommy Wars’ in/on any of my public forums (or personally, for that matter). I urge other bloggers to be mindful of the influence they have, as a result of their blogging platform, and for readers to question the authority of myriad of ‘mommy bloggers’ out there.
And yes, you will see me write about a product every now and then, but rest assured, it won’t be a perfunctory write-up.
This may sound crazy, but I can’t stand the term “mommy bloggers” (and my blog’s name is Mommy Knows What’s Best!). It rubs me the wrong way every time, and I think it’s because of those bloggers out there who use their blogs for nothing but to get free stuff and to be very unprofessional. When I chose my name for my blog, it was before I was educated on the ‘mommy blog’ culture, which is a very different culture from that of the moms who happen to blog group. And yes, I do post reviews and giveaways, but they are honest and not filled with fluff. My goal is to always help my readers find what works for their families by sharing what works for mine.
In my opinion, I think the negativity comes from not learning how to be professional about blogging. Blogging for profit is like being out in the workplace; you still have to be nice to people, even if you don’t agree with them, and you still have to do your best work so that others might benefit in some way. Some (or even many) bloggers think that hiding behind a computer makes them immune to these professional practices, but in reality, they should be as professional as possible. Does that all make sense?
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You are not alone, Marissa, I can’t stand the term “mommy blogger” either (maybe because I’ve never felt like a “mommy”). I began blogging as The Median Mommy, but felt that rebranding was a better fit for myself and what I wanted to accomplish through blogging.
I will still feature a product and/or run a giveaway, from time to time, but it has to make sense (for both my family and my readers) and it’s not the ‘meat’ of what I do or why I do it.
You hit the nail on the head – it’s about sharing experience, not advocating ‘one right way’ or making judgment calls on other people’s parenting ideals.
I think a lot of people ‘hide behind their screens’ these days, and I also think that many people use internet/social media forums to vent pent up frustrations. It’s never okay to be disrespectful, no matter the forum.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Great post. I had my first really negative experience with other women a few weeks ago, responding to a post I had written. One of them even went so far as to write an entire post of her own dedicated to what a judgmental person I was. It really hurt my feelings, given the nature of my post was about enjoying the toddler years and sharing my own experiences and what worked for us. Anyway, it’s a crazy online world. I remember there are more positive, uplifting people in this world than not and try and move on. 🙂
Andrea recently posted…Baby Bump: 25 Weeks
This is where I have a disconnect. The nature of blogging is sharing information, and personal blogs contain personal opinions. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who respond negatively when you are simply sharing an experience (as opposed to maintaining that your opinion is the only right way). I, too, have been accused of being judgmental, and have been attacked and called names because of things I’ve written, but I understand that the nature of blogging publicly has repercussions. When people try to attack or shame me on social media or my blog, I have to wonder what is going on with them in their own lives; why else would someone have so much animosity towards a stranger?
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
This is great!!! So many things you said, are things I have been wanting to say. I have had a mommy blogging bullying post in the works for a while now but never have the guts to follow through. Mostly because I think I would get slaughtered if I did publish. I am still kind of the newbie mom blogger that seems to be the target of the big bad mommy blogger bullies. I am still learning and for me it is just as you mentioned, trial and error. I have often stray away from networking with fellow bloggers because most of my attempts have left me like you said, making me step away from my laptop with a bad taste in my mouth. We are all just women trying to survive in a world full of hostile social media personalities who would never have the guts to say the things they do to your face, if you took the keyboard away. I have found myself turning into just a review and giveaway blogger because the mommy wars have made me too scared to share anything personal to me for fear that I will be thrown to the wolves. I know I need to get over that and just grow up and deal with it but I grew up in fear because bullies would follow me home from school threatening to kill me, beat me up, spread rumors about me. I was the weird ADD, Dyslexic kid with Tourettes whose life was made a living hell on a daily basis. Adult bullies scare the hell out of me now too so I tend to keep to myself but wish I didn’t. Wish I could just speak my mind (be it sugar coated or not) and not let the negative comments get to me. The whole point of starting my blog in the first place was to collect and share information to help moms like myself and to give me a place to be me. A place where I could share, where other moms could share, learn and grown in a positive space. It was supposed to be my creative outlet but the mommy blogger fear has just sort of taken it over.
Don’t let the negative experiences get in the way of why you began blogging, Maegan. It took some time for me to find the right ‘fit’ with blogging networks, and there is definitely one out there that will support and uplift you, instead of bullying or bringing you down. The beauty of blogging is that it is yours to do with what you choose — if you want to share personal items or opinions, go for it! I can remember publishing my first VERY personal piece, my nervous finger hovering over the publish button. While I did have negative responses, the positive responses outweighed them (and I had published something I was extremely proud of).
Keep on blogging!
I haven’t been in the blogging world long enough but this makes sense. Thanks for sharing this and I’m glad you are able to let these feelings out. It is hard to not be judgmental when others opinions differ, and I think that we as women are most sensitive to that. We don’t want to be wrong or have our decisions judged.
Every person is judgmental to a degree, I think it’s how we handle it (I tend to keep judgmental thoughts to myself). I think women have a tendency to compare themselves to others, which is okay, but when it comes at the cost of hurting or being disrespectful towards others the line has been crossed.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
I am still fairly new to blogging and I try to separate myself from the others. I like reviewing products but I don’t review EVERYTHING that comes my way. For one, I simply don’t have time and I would rather limit myself to a few cool ideas and products that I like. When I do my reviews, I started doing things a bit differently depending on the product. I want to offer VALUE with my reviews. I usually include some sort of tip on how you can use this product to get xyz result.
I love that you shared the honesty in blogging but I try to keep my nose out of it. I realize that most people think blogging is a great rich quick pursuit and it isn’t unless your really good from the start. I always carry the mentality that I won’t stick a chord with everyone and that everyone might not like my opinion. This has been a good philosophy for me so that I don’t come so overly emotional about my site (expect when my husband talks about selling my baby). 😉
I have always tried to pay it forward and help others in need. While, I might not share all my own secrets, I will provide enough tips or tricks to get you started.
I’ve been lucky enough to join a couple of amazing blogging communities, where we help each other immensely. I owe getting published in larger outlets to feedback and contacts I’ve made in my groups, and have used my blogger networks to troubleshoot many website issues (and learn the ropes of social media marketing and website coding). The great groups I belong to absolutely outweigh the number of negative groups I came across. I think my biggest wish is that we could cut the competitiveness (we all have different voices and experiences to share) and band together to support each other. But, that wish is akin to wishing for world peace…
There is the good and the bad in blogging and I’ve seen it both being in this blogging world for about 10 years. I do product reviews and giveaways but sparingly as the blog is more a space for me to share my thoughts. If there are nasty comments I just press – DELETE!!
Dominique Goh recently posted…Family Christian Giveaway- (US) ends 6th Nov
I absolutely agree, Dominique! I tend to keep the negative comments, as a reflection of differing opinions AND of the commenter.
I have been blogging for about 7 months now, so i am pretty new at this still. I have to say that I have not witnessed any negativity on my blog (thank goodness) but if I do i will simply delete it. There is no time for negative people to bring you down so why give them the time and day. I appreciate this article because you bring up a lot of good points. I agree with you in that there are a lot of give-away and product review blogs that maybe just do it for the money and are not really sincere. I have only done very few of them and I am proud to say I am very selective on what I recommend to my readers since they do trust my honest opinion. I also agree that we should welcome different opinions as long as it is done in a respectful manner.
Ros Emely recently posted…Special X-mas Tree Give Away and more/ un sorteo de arbol navideno y mas..
Thank you for sharing your opinions, Ros. I, too, am selective about the products I feature on my blog, and think my readers appreciate that.
I have to say first, that I agree with you completely. Second, I think it takes a lot of guts to be the one to come out and say something, so I applaud you for that. I had a mom blog for about two and a half years that is now basically all but defunct. In large part, I stopped writing it due to the issues you are describing. I didn’t feel like I “fit” anywhere- as a non-CD, formula feeding, not at ALL “green” mom, I just had no niche. And when I did try to connect to other bloggers, I felt, like you expressed, quite judged. And, the giveaway/review stuff just wasn’t happening. I didn’t have anywhere near the numbers to get involved with anything like that anyway, nor did I have the money to throw in to upfront all the costs. It seemed like it had turned into a game of who had the most “followers”, and whose posts could get the most views rather than just posting and enjoying it.
I also got into book blogging, and found that for me, it was a much better fit and I enjoyed the atmosphere of the book community better. Again, this is just my personal feelings, but it didn’t make sense for me to continue a blog that I wasn’t having any fun with at the expense of one that I was enjoying. For me, I much prefer a cooperative community to a competitive one, at least when it comes to blogging!
Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight recently posted…Midnight Chat: Retelling Reluctance
I think it takes a lot of time to find one’s niche, Shannon, I’m right there with you. While I breastfed and cloth diaper, I also use disposable diapers at nighttime, and don’t view the topics you referenced as black and white issues — there are SO many different ways to parent! My point with that is that I don’t have a ‘self-righteous’ attitude towards how “I” parent, and without differing viewpoints, I would never have known or explored different options. And, while I began blogging from a natural/attachment parenting perspective, I’m no longer deeply entrenched in that world (my son’s two and I’m now a ‘seasoned’ mom). It really took me a year and a half to figure out my niche, and I’m still developing it.
You hit the nail on the head – when you find the right niche for you, blogging comes with ease and is, overall, an enjoyable experience. Once I stopped caring about numbers, I found that things came more naturally for me…and so did/do the people.
Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
I seriously fear that my style of parenting is “winging it” lol. I have two kids, a 3 year old and a one year old. My one year old has a cleft lip and palate and things are NOT simple, so now, I just wing it about 99% of the time 😉
Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight recently posted…Ten Characters I Would be for Halloween if I Wasn’t too Lazy to Make the Costume
Isn’t that everyone’s parenting style? 😉
On an entirely different note – I used to be a rep for Random House Children’s Books and absolutely LOVE to read YA. Do you have any recommendations for YA new releases? I’m a huge YA dystopian/post-apocalyptic/zombi fan – any new books/series that should be on my radar?
Oh my goodness, SO many! Where do I even begin? (I also am quite fond of dystopian as well!) I just finished the final book of the Unwind series by Neal Shusterman, which was amazing. The last book in The Darkest Minds series by Alexandra Bracken is out today (both are dystopian/sci-fi). The Book of Ivy by Amy Engel will be out in about a week, that was fun new dystopian. The Islands At the End of the World by Austin Aslan was really good, I enjoyed Fire & Flood by Victoria Scott (the next one will be out in February!) OH- Pawn by Aimee Carter, the sequel will be out next month! Those are all pretty much new (within the past year or so) dystopian/apocalyptic, but I could probably go on for DAYS! I love finding fellow YA fans! 🙂
Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight recently posted…Ten Characters I Would be for Halloween if I Wasn’t too Lazy to Make the Costume
Thank you for breaking the silence of this topic in the blogging community! With women, there’s a natural caddiness and there whole “I’m better than you” mentality especially in the blogging community.
One thing is the term “mommy bloggers”. Whenever I get anything with in the subject line or in the first few words I cringe, that is classifying us as a group just because we’re moms. We all have different niches and likes.
There are too many review bloggers out there that their whole goal is to “obtain free stuff”. I’ve seen people turn around and sell the item many times without even “testing ” it or taking it out of the package! Kinda defeats the purpose right?
This same thing goes with the gift guides. As a frugal blog with reviews and giveaways I wouldn’t personally review an item if I didn’t think I’d like it or use it personally. However, I’ve done giveaways for items I haven’t reviewed because it would benefit my readers and not myself. Then there’s people who want companies to pay them on top of getting a product, nothing wrong with asking for compensation for your time and this is a big “discussion” among like bloggers.
I have to distant myself from being “too involved” in other bloggers groups because the bullying still exist even with adult women. Which is sad because that is not a good example to set for their children and no one deserves to get bullied.
We are one as a community and if everyone can could along and use their influence to empower themselves, other bloggers and women everywhere by building a strong and secure community it would be a lot better place. No judgements passed because you’re a high level PR or you have xx followers on Facebook.
Jacqueline Diaz recently posted…Free reusable bag for new Shutterfly customers!
I used “Mommy Blogger” in my title for that very reason, Jacqueline 🙂 I have the same ‘gut’ reaction!
Now, you will see me publishing a “top ten unique gift” post next month, but only one of the companies listed has provided product for me (none of the other listed are compensated – it is truly a non-sponsored post). My husband and I love the art of gift giving (it truly is an art), and I’m highlighting some unique items that I came across and really liked, items I’m giving to others this year, items we received, etc. I went back and forth about doing my gift post, but the items are too cool not to share!
Don’t distance yourself too much from blogger groups, as there really are some great ones out there! The women in my groups have been amazing resources for publishing in other outlets, troubleshooting site issues, and learning the ins-and-outs of social media.
Let’s band together and uplift each other! Thank you for taking the time to stop by and share your thoughts, Jacqueline 🙂
WOW! I agree with everything you typed up there! I am not a blogger but I do honestly love to read reviews. However, I have read reviews (of what I thought had honest opinions) a few times before purchasing a product only to find that the product did not live up to its hype. Very disappointing!
When I see people posting negative things about “people”, I just find myself another page to enjoy. I know! Im a wimp! I do not connect to the internet to find ways to depress myself by watching people tear each other apart.
I left a comment once about my experience with bleaching my cloth diapers (the bleach began to deteriorate my diapers). And boy did I catch heck! All of a sudden, I felt like the dumbest person in the room! Im ok with someone proving me wrong, or with someone trying to explain where I went wrong, but I am not ok with being treated like dirt underneath a persons feet. I no longer participate, I just read and move on. Which is sometimes depressing in itself, because there are so many times I would love to participate in a discussion but wont.
I’m sorry you’ve had bad product experiences! I think that happens frequently, and isn’t entirely a blogger’s fault. Many companies want a review posted within a week of sending product, which is definitely not enough time to use a product and write a thorough review. When I review a cloth diaper, I use it for a MINIMUM of two weeks before even thinking about forming an opinion. It takes time to prep diapers and use at different times (day, nap, overnight, etc.) to really test how the diaper performs.
Oh, those bleach nazis! I really think that it takes a little time to find the right washing routine for diapers, due to the different types of water out there (and the different diaper fabrics – microfiber, hemp, bamboo, organic cotton, etc.). I’ve cloth diapered with extremely hard water, and then with soft water, and I had to tweak what I did to make it work. At the end of the day, keeping a simple routine is the way to go – it’s just laundry!
I was blogging for years before I ever heard the term “mom blogger” in 2008. I kind of resented the term because I considered myself a writer, an advocate, a business owner – but not a mommy blogger. In the end, I realize I am now a mom blogger although I still don’t care for the term, because I am a business woman who happens to be a mom.
I must say, I’m happy never to have seen the types of things in this post and comments. I’m sorry that you have experienced it. I can’t imagine. I hope you find a way to pull yourself away from that crowd. It sounds terribly negative.
I do reviews, but not often because they are hard, time-consuming work. I can’t imagine copying/pasting from a site. That’s duplicate content (bad SEO practice) and copyright infringement!
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I’m right there with you, Michelle, and my tagline reflects just that: Muse, Mom, Maven (I’m a wife, mother, and business woman), so much more than a ‘mommy blogger’. I like to refer to myself as a blogger who happens to also be a mom.
I think life is too short to get caught up in negativity, especially when there are so many positive people out there in the blogging world.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Blog on!
I came across your post through twitter. I have to say you make a very good point. I tend to stay away from giveaways and reviews. It doesn’t sit well with me to “sell” my blog. I tweet a lot – and sometimes that even feels like pandering. I’d rather people come to my blog because they like my content. I don’t want people coming only because they’re interested in winning something. Maybe that makes me snobby? I don’t know. I hope not!
Being new to this blogging deal myself I have not had much support from bloggers. When I go to the sites I also see a lot of pushing products (opinions are supposed to be honest but they are getting compensated and I have not see anything put raving reviews. I’m not looking for new toys for my kids (we have plenty) and my husband has a marketing company so I’m good as far as tracking visits and such. I just need an outlet too and love to write. I even joined a Facebook momblog support group but barely any of the mothers accept my friend requests or give me feedback on website. Feeling defeated two weeks in…