This past spring, I discovered something new about myself: I get pregnant very easily. However, this past summer showed me just how easy is was for me to lose a baby. After having a healthy first pregnancy, I was in complete shock (as was my midwife) when she was unable to locate my baby’s heartbeat at a routine appointment (I had just seen my baby’s healthy heartbeat two weeks earlier). The chain of events that were to follow, when combined, are the singlemost traumatic event I’ve ever experienced; enough so that I was thrown into PPD and suffered from PTSD. I still have a deep mistrust of doctors.
Not only did I lose my baby, but I was treated horribly by those in the medical field, and the number of mishaps made is just unforgivable. Because of my experience, I am extremely anxious in my current pregnant state; the waiting game has begun.
My husband and I waited 4 months to try to conceive again, as my mental state had been abysmal, and I needed time to recover (both physically and emotionally), time to grieve the loss of our baby, and get to a point where I would be okay with being pregnant [and facing potential loss again]. Again, I got pregnant the first go. Sadly, I’ve not allowed myself to become excited about expecting a baby this coming summer because I know that my happy expectation can be torn away in a heartbeat (or in the lack of one). I keep setting small goals: in two weeks’ time I will have surpassed the length of my last pregnancy, that’s got to be promising, right? I tell myself that I can be excited once I hit the 14 week mark, because surely we’re in the clear, right?
I really hope that this rainbow baby [and my body] is strong enough to continue to grow, thrive and bless our lives. I’ve not yet found a new care provider, as I’m certainly not using my last, because I want to make sure that this baby is even going to make it past two-and-a-half months.
A part of me is sad that this baby is not being celebrated with initial excitement but, rather, with trepidation. I wish that I wasn’t so cautious about getting excited. If only someone could glimpse into the future and tell me: This Baby Will Be Okay.
Have you lost a baby? What was your subsequent pregnancy like following your loss? I’d love to hear how those of you, who have suffered a loss(es), were able to keep calm and carry on…