Toddlerisms

As any parent can attest, the toddler years can be some of the most trying times and also yield some of the sweetest moments in your child’s life. There are days when I text my husband at work, asking what time he thinks he’ll be home because my patience is on the verge of breaking. Most days, I’m like a broken record, repeating “No” a bazillion times, and contemplating trademarking “please don’t touch that/climb on that/jump on the couch,” as those frequently uttered phrases are now my personal anthem. But for every trying moment, there are more than enough sweet moments, serving to calm my frazzled nerves. A spontaneous neck-hug, a moist kiss on the cheek, and the completely random “I love you, mommy”s are enough to brush away any mounting toddler frustrations I may have. Then, there are those gems, those random phrases spoken during language acquisition that have you scratching your head, biting your lip to keep from laughing, or so funny that laughter erupts from the depths of your belly. Those ‘gems’ I’m referring to, my friends, are toddlerisms.

As Declan’s language and cognitive abilities continue to grow at a rapid pace, his lack of filter and honest commentary about life [as he perceives it] have yielded some of the most hilarious things I’ve heard (and sometimes seen). I tend to share the funniest of these toddlerisms on my personal Facebook page, to the delight of friends and family — they’re just too good to keep to ourselves. Today, my friends, I’m sharing five of my favorite toddlerisms with you.

That’s not a poop in my diaper, it’s my big penis.

This was the first statement uttered from my son’s mouth yesterday morning, as I went to change his overnight diaper. While we find it important to teach Declan the proper names for genitalia, his creative use of adjectives gets us. every. single. time.

I saw a whore pig at the muse-ium.

I enjoyed a spa day recently, and my husband took Declan on an outing to the Delaware Natural History Museum. I had debriefed my husband over the phone, so when D told me that he had seen a whore pig at the museum, I immediately knew he was referring to a wart hog. If this isn’t a glimpse into my child’s brilliant mind, I don’t know what is. I also don’t know where he heard the word whore, as it’s not a part of my husband’s or my vernacular. I need to start paying more attention to the ~~hooligans~~ toddlers D hangs out with…

I know they say that “a picture’s worth a thousand words,” but I definitely owe you an explanation. My husband and I knew we were toeing the line when we Santa put a dinosaur that ‘poops’ jellybeans in Declan’s Christmas stocking, but we had no idea he’d finally find a use for the pacifiers he rejected as a baby. D’s current obsessions include unscrewing the lids from containers and the cause and effect of fitting objects into other objects. He was so proud of himself when he made this dinosaur discovery/masterpiece…we’ve got a genius on our hands here, folks!

Mom, I can stay here while you go to the pharmacy.

After an afternoon playing in the snow, I noticed the time and knew that I needed to get to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription before they closed. I gave Declan his five minute warning, explaining that we needed to run out to the pharmacy, and in his two-year-old wisdom, he responded with this little gem. Sure, Declan, I’ll leave you in the snowy backyard, unattended, for twenty minutes while I run to the store and back, no problem. I think I see a career as a negotiation expert in his future.

Maybe I slept on my pillow all crazy?

You think?!? I’ll leave you with this magnificent portrait, the result of a good nap and my husband and my disagreement over the length of Declan’s hair. My husband said he liked it longer, I maintained that it was time for a hair cut. Guess who got his hair cut the next day?